Dear People Confused About My Bisexuality,
It’s Bisexual Visibility Day! Which may make you wonder: how can you celebrate the visibility of something that doesn’t exist?
I’ve been an out and proud queer bisexual woman for years now. And while I’ve only grown more and more proud of my identity, you’ve only remained confused about it. So I’m celebrating this day of visibility by doing what society expects bisexual people to do best: apologize for our existence.
1. I’m sorry for passing my confusion on to you. As you know, bisexuals are supposed to be the ones who are confused – but, silly me, I’m all sure of who I am, so I see why that’s confusing for you. It’s too bad there’s no reading material, no videos, no organizations or fancy contraptions like Google available to clear up your confusion about what bisexuality is and why it’s so very real.
2. I’m sorry I’m so greedy. Since my wildly bisexual lack of self-control makes me want to have sex with “anything that moves,” I’d like to apologize for the impure thoughts I’ve had about your car. And your eyebrow. And Donald Trump’s hair. That last one’s gross, I know. I mean, really, ew. But standards? Psh. You must be right, this bisexual’s never had ’em.
3. I’m sorry you lost consciousness holding your breath until I pick a side. I could’ve caught you before you hit the floor, but at the time, I was horribly misguided in my belief that I’d never choose between lesbian and straight, so I thought you could use a collision with reality. But I know better now. The floor you fainted on is real, and gay identity and straight identity, those are real, but being bi? I’m just sorry my indecisive phase has lasted so long.
4. I’m sorry I’m not ashamed of who I am. What better day than Bisexual Visibility Day to buy into the message that my sexuality is something to be ashamed of? Unfortunately, I think I’ve just learned too much about the nature of sexuality and gender to believe that my perfectly natural attraction to a range of genders means there’s something wrong with me. So I’m proud of my bisexuality. I know – it’s so rude of me.
5. I’m sorry I’m not who you think I am. Exes who thought bisexuality made me a cheater, queer folks who thought I wasn’t really queer, couples who thought I’d be so into threesomes that I’d overlook your gross fetishizing behavior to jump into bed with you – I failed you all. I haven’t lived up to the stereotypes and misconceptions about what it means to be a bisexual woman. And as a result, you’ve been forced to either change your inaccurate worldview, or stubbornly insist on being a judgmental asshole. Either way, it must be hard. Either way, you have my pity.
6. I’m sorry I’m not sorry at all. Here I go with the confusing talk again – first it was “I’m not attracted to only one gender,” and now I’m hitting you with “I’m bisexual and I have nothing to apologize for.” My bisexuality is not a problem, and it’s here to stay. If that makes you confused or uncomfortable, now’s a great time to learn how to check your assumptions instead of casting your misguided judgments on me.
I’ll be over here celebrating the beauty of bisexual visibility – which is more important now than ever.